Platonic Friends. What’s wrong with my friendship?

This post is over 1700 words. So if you are running short of time, feel free to exit. But if you think you can give your 5 minutes, you may enlighten us with your views on this.

Who is your best friend? Ahem! My best friend is Shalini/Rita/Priyanka. I suppose this is the most impromptu answer expected to such a question. Why? B’coz in our society being best pals with someone of opposite gender is yet not too acceptable a thing. So Rita (name changed) pushes her best friend Amit to the back of her mind and declares Shalini as her best pal. Strangely, it is to Amit she turns when she is in dire straits or when she needs a shoulder to weep on. It is with Amit who she celebrates her latest A grades. But still these answers come, it happens very regularly. Do these sound familiar to you too?

Even though we declare ourselves from a rapidly developing society which claims to be having a broad minded thinking, the common view still is that friendship can not exist between a boy and a girl b’coz if your best friend is a girl then she is a ‘girlfriend’ and if you are a girl and your best pal is a boy he is your ‘boyfriend’.

And it is so rooted to our culture that a dialogue on this had become the best dialog of the decade years ago. It was as “Ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte” (A boy and a girl can never be friends) from the movie Maine Pyar Kiya (India, year 1989).

Why it is so? Why can’t we think beyond this sick-minded-ness and regard this healthy and pure relationship. Why can’t we just let two people live their own lives? Or why can’t we mind our own business first?

I know reading this post till this point you would be thinking that it is pity that people have such a narrow mind. We are in the 21st century and should think broad now. But time for a self-check, be honest to yourself and think: how many times you have seen a boy and a girl sitting on bench in a park and have not raised your eye-brows? Even when you don’t know any of them and have no ideas what they are talking about. How many times you have seen a boy and a girl talking in the ground floor and have not passed comments when you go up to your colleagues? “You know what, just when I was coming up, I saw Rita with a boy downstairs. They were quarreling. It seems the boy was her boyfriend”. Don’t you do so too? Be honest, b’coz I don’t want to comment on this now b’coz if I do I will add 1000-2000 more words to this post.

I read a verse from Chanakya few days ago, “There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no Friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth.”. I think he is true and I think it is not bitter even it is good that there is some self-interest. Why? B’coz if you don’t have an interest in something you will not think of it, you will not work for it, you will not feel for it.

You breathe b’coz your interest is in your life, you eat b’coz your interest is in your health, you work not for the success of your company but b’coz your interest is in your career and your prestige, you invest b’coz your interest is in a secure future, you love b’coz your interest is in removal of loneliness and you cry that is also b’coz your interest is in letting go off the pain. Are these interests wrong?

You meet some one and befriend her. That is also due to some self-interest and it is that you need someone when you are down, you need someone when you want to shout at, you need someone to talk to when there is no one to listen to your funny stories, you need someone to make a call to when you find your are bored and also you need someone at the time when you see others happy with their own companions.

Are these self-interests wrong as per you my friends? If yes, I tell this to ALL my friends, I am wrong too I am totally wrong. B’coz my friendship with you was, is and will be only and only b’coz of my self-interests. What is that self-interest that may vary for one to the other. For someone it is that I want him to get over the illness immediately so the next time I see him I don’t lose more faith in god (b’coz I don’t want to turn an atheist). For someone I want her to see at the top of her career. What purpose that will serve me? One day, it may make me say, “you see that girl, yes the one with the prize in her hands, she is ‘my’ friend. And I am proud that we are friends”. That will give me immense happiness. But hold on...it is scientifically proved that when you are happy, some useful chemicals are produced in your body that is good for your health. Here also self interest. Justified, isn’t it?

But hold on here again, had that been a boy you would have gone on stage to congratulate him but as she is a girl you will sit silently and wait for the ceremony to get over so that you can meet and congratulate her separately. Why? B’coz if you go on the stage to congratulate her, there would be more people talking of this incident then people talking about her getting a prize.

What is the solution and who is responsible for such mentality? I will talk about the latter first b’coz after that the former will not need much talking.

Responsible…the society, the education and the individual him/her-self.

The society…and by society I mean the people of it. It is they who spread rumors, it is they who talk about these on every nook and corner for hours when their family needs them badly. “You know I saw Amit & Rita sitting in a temple. I suspect something is fishy here”. Or, “This boy comes to Rita’s house very regularly, seems like some thing is cooking here”.

The education, b’coz we from our very young age have been taught rather instructed that as a girl, you should play with girls only and vice versa. Young minds already molded at so early stage, how can we expect them to think differently now?

And The individual…that is YOU. Yes you are responsible too. If you are honest and what you are doing is not wrong, why it bothers you what others ‘may’ or do say. Why can’t Rita go ahead and say that yes Amit is her best friend and he is always there when she need him. Why can’t it happen that when people point fingers on your true & platonic relationship you can’t stand tall to defend it with all your force? If you value your friendships you should, else do one thing my friend, free it off.

I know if this post is being read by an Angel, she would say, “Ro, you are a boy and if a boy says that his best friend is a girl then it might not raise problems but I am a girl. If I say this it will be like calling troubles and lots of questions to self. B’coz in our society girls are known to be in Limits and we can’t ignore those raised eyebrows and snide remarks around ourselves”.

Why do we want to bind ourselves by these taboos? Why can’t we go ahead and break the shackles. Why? B’coz I feel we don’t have courage to do so. It takes great courage to raise a problem but it takes one’s heart to go ahead and fight against it.

I personally also have also gone through a lot of these comments & rumors and that too repeatedly but I don’t care until it comes to me directly. I believe that there is no point calming down barking dogs b’coz they are all around me but when one tries to bite me, it would never be able to bite ever again. Many times it comes directly to me too, multiple times BUT it has never been from the same person. Why? I defend it so strongly that the person listening can never raise the question again. Why do I defend? Simple, b’coz I value that friendship. I want that to grow and I am in no mood to let any one outsider come and cast an evil eye on it. People even come and say dirty things b’coz they envy me sometimes for such a close friendship, but ask me if I care. Why should I? Is what I am doing wrong? Is what I am doing not justifiable? When I know that what I am doing is not wrong I should not care what people say of it and I don’t. And the day I feel that what I am going to do is wrong, I will not do it in the first place.

Now the time for the solution. I will not say much on this b’coz I want the readers to leave solution to this as a comment (please do let me know that is it same at your place too or is it only in India?). Hence, I will stay short. For me the solution relates to the most complex thing in the universe, The Human Mind. Our heart is not bad, it understands the feelings of an individual, but our mind has been so polluted from ages that we can’t think beyond these things. What we need is proper guidance, proper counseling and above all proper education; out-house as well as in-house education. And rather than the toddlers it is the time when grown up people need these more. Even though we have co-education schools today the story has not changed much.

We need to make people feel that it is perfectly alright if a boy and a girl is talking over phones, it is perfectly alright if they are meeting regularly, it is perfectly alright if they are counting on each other, it is perfectly alright if they are friends.

As healthy competition is encouraged among all age groups and all genders, so should friendship.

With a hope that our mind, our mentality will change for the betterment of an individual and friendship flourishes around us.

Straight from the heart of a person who be-live-s in friendship.

Hit me, kill me, but do not lie to me.

(Unedited)

If there is anything which is worse than a sin then, as for me personally, it is Lie. I HATE LIES or I better say DISHONESTY/CHEATS and I will continue to hate it as long as I live. And in all the places further when I use the term ‘Lie’ I would essentially mean ‘Dishonesty’.

It is very difficult for me to forgive a person who lies/lied to me. Because for someone who is so emotionally attached to people around him, feelings value. And when feelings are hurt, you cry. If you are beaten physically you would only suffer physical pain, if some comes and cuts your legs/hands off you will be handicapped physically. But when someone hurts your heart, your inner spirit, it is worse. Something that can never be repaired. It is an old saying that once a mirror is broken it can never show the complete image even if it is joined somehow. There will always be a scar. Scar on body can be cured or covered, but scar on heart can only be covered never cured. And I face the fear around me always, be it my colleagues, my contacts, my well wishers, or even my true friends.

In my short life of 7 years, 7 because I believe I came to life only since 1999. It was the time when I realized (though not understood ever) what is life all about. I started knowing people, their out(s) and their in(s). I came to know what is wrong, what is right, what is a crime, what is a sin. I came to know when and how much to value someone’s word. I came to know who should I talk to and who should talk to me. And when all these happened at once, my list of people around me got shorter suddenly. I am sad (but not sorry) that it happened. When I came to know the reality of some of my friends my inner self did not allow me to continue any touch with them. And since then I have been very selective when it comes to making friends. Some people consider it as my shyness but I wish that they read this post before creating judgments on my behavior.

For me friends are not just people around you who you see, smile, wave, part & then forget. They are people who you think of when they are not there with you, people you want to know about, people you care for, people you want to help by any means, people you long to meet, and people you would love to be with in your next life too. Not to mention that those people should have same set of feelings towards you. I know you must be thinking of your many friends right now and trying to figure out how many fit into these standards. Don’t be sad. And that is why my friend list is very small. And rest people come to another list which I call “Contacts”. I would like to reveal here that people have always caught me hanging around on my mail box, over instant messenger or talking over the wireless media continuously. If it is so it is because of those beautiful gifts that I have received from god in the form of friends. And I am proud to call them friends, real friends. I am also proud that I am caught talking to them. And honestly it will continue, as long as I live and as long I have such people with me.

I know it might sound that why from the subject of lies I have diverted towards friendship. It is because when I hear a lie I can’t help think of those people who are honest. My friends (people in the 1st list) don’t lie to me. Not because they are very honest internally (no one can be 100% honest), but god’s grace they try to remain honest to me.

And I am strong enough to say that if I come to know of some one’s dishonesty, there would be a big scar on my friends list and another small one on my heart once more. I feel I am used to this. Why? That is a different story.

This very personal and very close to me post of mine is also read by my such friends and I say them openly, “I expect you to be honest.” I may sound rude but this the way I am. If I treat some one my friend, I think I have the right to expect honesty from them. And I assure that my honesty will remain as it has been till now.

This post is comparatively longer than the rest of the posts here and reason is simple, myself. I want to note down all this here, which I and others can read today or in the days to come.

In our religions, jainism in particular and hinduism is general, we are taught that speaking lies is a sin. I feel proud to be a part of such a community which seeds such values within us from our childhood. Still many people forget them, either due to situation or due to their own will, but those who remember, sooner or later feel the importance of it.

When one lies he/she has to keep a lot of things ready to face. He/she prepares the answers of the probable questions which can be asked. And sooner or later they have to rope in more lies in order to support the former ones. And this vicious circle, continues, continues and continues. And if there remains some sense of maturity, sooner or later he/she realizes the mistake and feels sorry for that. But the sooner, the better. Because time once gone can never be rewind. And all that is left is sorry and frustration.

I have always come to such situations where people have given me a lot of hope through their ‘honestly’ spoken words. Either they show it while describing a sensitive incident which happened or when they give away promises or when they agree to carry on some plans. But how many times they have followed their words and how many times they haven’t? As per my experience, especially since I developed a better sense of understanding the situation and people, I will say 1/10 times. This figure may sound too small to you but to me its something which still makes me happy, happy for the first part of it. At least every ten things I hear or every ten things that are said to me; one of those will be exactly like that, word by word. I know in this world of uncertainty where you don’t know what is going to happen to you in the next moment, its hard to expect even 1/10 to be carried in the manner it was said, leave alone 10/10. But if things are said with the sense of true honesty & true responsibility, it should. It will also help the anger, the anxiety, the frustration and the dejection caused later on to be brought down.

And as per my personal experience and what I have seen around myself, I know how great a loss false words cause. People are forced to do things they don’t want to. People are forced to do things which are not correct. People are forced to behave rudely. Why? Because their confidence, their respect for others and specially their respect for themselves have been broken. I use the word forced because it is something which is the effect of something, something which is caused not selected. And in most of the cases the losses of these effects are caused to you and only you. No one else will suffer. Or even if some one suffers of it, it would be temporary. But you, you will lose yourself for ever. So if people do not lie or make false promises, you would have been escaped.

Some one may argue that when you lie for someone’s benefit it is not a sin rather a good deed, because that will help him/her in some way or the other. But I believe it is only for those people who are weak and not ready or strong enough to face the truth, the fact. And I am not one of those. I believe that it is always better to know the facts, the truth, the bad things and cry rather than being happy and then get hit suddenly later on which may cause death to someone, mentally and sometimes physically too.

I don’t know, neither do I suggest that one should have any contact with those people who don’t mean their words. Because if you do so, you will be alone. And even at times You yourself have to lie (intentionally, unintentionally, forcefully, helplessly, etc)...so you are more alone. Rather it would be better to first find out about some and then believe. “It is always better to judge and act than to act and judge”. And I admit here that I lie too, but I am never dishonest.

Though I have skipped lots of things here either because they are too personal to me or because they are of no importance to you. But whatever I have said here is straight from my heart, one which prefers to be killed than being cheated.

I am different, I think differently. And so is you, he, she. Hence people will have different opinions to this entire post. But their comments are always welcome. I would like to know what do they feel/felt when some one lies/lied to them.

With a hope (still) to find more honest people around me.

Signing off,

Ro

There is one thing which never betrays and that’s your inner self. Live with it and live for it. You will never cry. I do the same. Do you?

P.S. This post is written in a very plain language because I wanted to dot down each and everything. And hence could not put in enough time to write it down in a professional/formal language. You may also feel that the points are not in a proper flow. But I hope I have been able to speak my heart here, honestly.